Oh, boy, what a day. So many tears. I'm worn out. I'm caught in a spot where I'm struggling to hear the voice of God regarding my body. I have been certain that He has promised to heal me. Right now, I'm wavering in my memory. Did He really? Am I destined to struggle like this for the rest of my days? Am I done with the life I have known? These are real emotions. Real thoughts.
But I have to have hope. If I don't, I crumble.
Hope. What in the world is it? I think maybe it's an expectation that things will change. Or that they'll go a certain way that I perceive within myself. It seems that the Word of God says something similar, that hope is anticipation, expectation, confidence. Anticipation and expectation that things will change, or something new is on the way. And confidence that it will come. As I'm looking at that, I think I see that waiting is implied in the concept of hope. Waiting...... Ok.
Well, I've learned something about waiting recently. In our study on Esther, one of the things that Beth Moore brought out regarding Esther's dealing with waiting was the necessity of listening. When Esther approached the King, unbidden, and was asked by her husband what her request was, she asked him to come to a banquet, and to bring Haman with him. During the banquet, when he asked her again what her petition was, she started to tell him, but then there's an interesting little thing in the sentence construction that I missed until this time around. There's a “:” A little piece of punctuation that indicates that her sentence was broken off. As if she literally went, “Oh, wait. I don't think I should say that. Beat, beat.....” and then resumed her speaking, saying, “Come tomorrow to another banquet, and bring Haman again.”
This really intrigued me. I can't count the times I have been in the middle of saying something, and suddenly I knew I was't supposed to say the next words. The Spirit was checking me. Somehow it rings true that Esther experienced the same thing. And despite the fact that she had been asked -- twice -- to state her request, she decided she shouldn't do it right then. She waited...... and the King had a sleepless night...... and Haman had a gallows built. And the result was the turning of the tide of wickedness that Haman had started in motion. Whoa. Waiting.
Come to find out, there are different ways to wait. And this had a huge impact on me. I have had a tendency to wait on the thing I hope to be changed. The event, if you will. I am waiting on my back to be better. And my strength is wearing thin. In fact, it's pretty well gone. Verses about weakness and power and strength have been going around in my head, verses like 2 Corinthians 2:19 and John 15:5. Because I am weak. And the waiting has been hard.
So, then an epiphany! Isaiah 40:31. "Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.”
Wait for what? For whom? The Lord. And what is the result? New strength!
This was huge for me. I'm to be waiting on the Lord, not the thing, not the event. Waiting on an event is draining. But waiting on the Lord will result in new strength. It's promised.
So, I'm learning what it means to wait on God, not on healing. A shift of focus. God. Not my body. God. Not my limitations. God. Period.